Finding my Truth

Have you ever done something that really scared you? I mean so scary your heart is racing and you can barely breathe?  For me I thought the scariest thing I had ever down was swim with Whale Sharks in Cancun.  A few years back my friends and I went down for a Vacay and only my friend Colt would go with me.  As our boat raced out into the middle of the Caribbean, my stomach churned as I thought for sure I would jump off the boat into the mouth of JAWS……..As it turns out we were surrounded by these magical creatures the size of a school bus and the minute I hit the water I forgot about all the scary things lurking.  It was one for my bucket list for sure and in the end….not so scary.


We moved to Colorado the very end of January of 2015. My husband sought out and took a job out here.  He had always wanted to live in Colorado and at 40 it was now or never.  To be honest our marriage was rocky at best and we needed a change and a fresh start. But now, now I was terrified.  I was leaving behind EVERYTHING I knew and loved. My family, friends, my oldest son’s elementary school and youngest’s Mother’s Day Out.  I had had the same group of girlfriends since college. We were close. My bestie and I talked almost daily. What would happen when I moved.


Our first month here the ground was covered with snow.  My marriage was not getting any better, my oldest son hated school and missed his friends terribly. My three year old, well if you have ever had three year old then you know. Plus. I couldn’t get him into any MOD programs.  Life as I knew it was unraveling quickly. I was starting to unravel.


We live in a new build neighborhood and it is amazing.  It is full of young families with lots of boys which is perfect for us.  The thing about Colorado is everybody is outside enjoying our weather.  This neighborhood is also very social with Purple Chair Fridays (drinks in someones driveway with the purple chair) to random Tuesday driveway parties, block parties, organized neighborhood parties, you name it.  It sounds like this Social Butterflies dream.   But at the time it was my nightmare…..I was hiding something, something very big…..It was my truth.


I was hiding what was really going on in my house. I was hiding who I really was.  When we moved out here, my husband stopped drinking.  He needed to. He had a problem with alcohol. I don’t know if you have ever lived with someone who drinks too much but it is a family problem as much as a personal one.  He did it by himself and has been sober for over two years and I am incredibly proud of him and grateful for his dedication to our family……Here is the thing, now I didn’t know what to do.  The only thing I did know was that I was angry, bitter, difficult and making clear I did not want to be here.


By the end of the Summer I had met a few people, but was still a bit stand offish.  When I would go to these neighborhood parties I would tell them my husband was tired from riding his bike or traveling or stayed home with the three year old. You know anything but the truth.


At my lowest point, I was not eating, not sleeping and crying all the time.  I was having panic attacks. I seriously thought I might be having a nervous breakdown.  And guess what I didn’t think any of it was my fault!  I was blaming everyone, especially my husband. I hated everything.  I could see nothing positive.  I was impossible to be around.


I decided to seek help from a therapist and everyone’s little friend Prozac. At the same time my mom gave me the sage advice “It’s like drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies”……and an old friend said to me “Get busy living or get busy dying…..the choice is up to you”.   I also started really dabbling into essential oils at this time and found my saving grace in Release….more on that another time.


I remember as clear as day when I decided I had enough moping around. I had enough hiding and hating.  It was time to start fighting for myself and my family. It was time to start living out loud.  When my good friend back home asked me what changed I simply replied… perspective.


Funny how when you change something as simple as a perspective your entire life will start changing.  With in a matter of weeks I met a neighborhood mom in a grocery store. Our sons new each other and she and I bonded over the fact that we were both carrying the same Louis Vuitton.  Now our kids are great friends and we are sharing garage codes and texting from different continents.


My first party with my truth out came at Christmas.  It was the Purple Chair Christmas Party and it was a few houses down from mine. I nervously went last minute.  I wore my lulu track pants, a down vest, stocking cap and my Ugg house shoes.  This is who I am.  I love to dress up don’t get me wrong, but I also love to be comfy.  A drink or two I am meeting tons of new people.  I am a story teller by nature so people are listening to me and laughing.  I realize in my stories, I am talking about my life usually using some curse words , my crazy boys, my husband who no longer drinks.  I am talking about Prozac and dropping my kid off on the first day of school in my pjs.  In the middle of all of these people who love to exercise and eat healthy I am talking about having a goal to have a goal to run a 5k and eat Paleo after all I have Pinterest board all about it.   So many of my news friends bike and hike and camp. I walk to the pool and have cocktail and prefer to sleep in the A/C with a nice bed, shower and potty although I am considering glamping……more on that another time.


As I sat a the pool yesterday with some of my girlfriends for our afternoon cocktails, I realized just how lucky I was.  I landed right where I was supposed to be. And as we laughed about my freshly dyed and curled hair and sparkly bracelet, our different ideas of camping and exercising. My friend Francine toasted me and said “Man everybody needs a friend like you”.


They say the truth shall set you free and I am as free as a bird. I live my truth everyday. I live it out loud.  Ask me a question and will tell you my answer.  Life is hard and messy and beautiful and I am not hiding any of it.  Are you living your truth?

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